


Frightening enough

by Signe_chan



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Established Relationship, Forced Drug Use, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-20
Updated: 2012-10-20
Packaged: 2017-11-16 16:29:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/541522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Signe_chan/pseuds/Signe_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough." - M. C. Escher</p><p>Written for the kink meme prompt - http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/11065.html?thread=25469753#t25469753</p><p>Bruce is already having a bad day when somebody slips him some LSD.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Frightening enough

Bruce was having the worst day. Alright, that was possibly an exaggeration if the sample size was his entire life. But for a certain set value of, say, days since he joined the Avengers or maybe days since he’d started sleeping with Tony Stark he was having the worst day. 

It had started badly and gone downhill from there. He’d argued with Tony. It wasn’t that arguing with Tony was a new thing, they argued like any couple. It was that they meant it this time. Normally they argued about things like if Tony should ‘upgrade’ the toaster or what was an acceptable time to crawl in to bed and wake up your partner. This time they argued about Bruce. Well about the other guy really. Tony had this strange idea that the other guy just needed to go out for a jog or something every now and then and Bruce would be alright. Bruce objected to the idea of being torn apart from the inside out to allow a rampaging green monster some me time. 

Then Tony had started baiting him, and Bruce had gotten angry but not in the way Tony wanted. Not the kind of explosive anger that called out the hulk (and Bruce had taken more time than anyone cataloguing exactly how he got angry and why) but the slow, burning kind of anger he knew would consume him for days. 

He’d slammed out of the bedroom but, apparently unable to take even the least subtle of hints, Tony had followed him. Bruce might have possibly said some of the things he’d been trying not to say. Things about Tony being too controlling. About how Bruce might have wanted to leave but Tony had manipulated the situation so that was never an option. About how Bruce couldn’t be bought with flash lab equipment and flash cars and he didn’t need any of Tony’s flash. 

Tony gave as good as he got, of course. Apparently Bruce was a recluse who was making Tony feel guilty over the smallest party (like Tony would know a small party if it came up and introduced itself) and never wanted to just go with the flow and have fun. 

Bruce wasn’t sure who said “Well, I’m leaving you,” first but by the time an hour was out he was turning green around the neck, Tony had locked himself in the lab and he didn’t have a boyfriend any more. 

And that was just the start of it. 

In a way, it was almost good that aliens (why was it always aliens) chose that day to launch an invasion because he had the feeling Tony was going to get his wish and the big guy was going to come out and play no matter what he wanted. As it was, aliens invaded. They were horrible things, about five foot tall but they spat acid and ran so fast that hulk had a hard time catching any of them to smash. 

Bruce hated days when he turned in to the other guy. The thing nobody appreciated, the thing Tony had never asked about, was how much it hurt to let him out. It should have been obvious, he thought. The other guy was big; Bruce’s body twisted itself in to the other guy. Some stuff he didn’t even want to think about went on in his muscles and left him aching for days. His general health seemed to be declining too. It seemed to be taking longer and longer for the effects to wear off and he sometimes got pains now in the cold, or if he’d been sitting or standing too long. Things that wouldn’t bother him but he wasn’t that old and they were getting more and more frequent. 

And Tony wanted him to go through that every day. 

The good thing about letting the other guy out was it burnt off some of the pressing desire to ram Tony’s face in to the nearest flat surface. He was ALMOST in a place where he could talk about things. Almost. 

He’d pulled himself out of the inevitable pile of wreckage he found himself in (Shield had stopped trying to move an unconscious hulk and he normally woke up pretty soon after the transformation) and taken in the damage. More of the city destroyed. More people out of work, out of their homes. He could almost hear the TV news coverage already. Words like “appropriate response” would be thrown around like candy. Should they even let the hulk out? Maybe tiny acid spitting aliens everywhere was better? 

He’d dragged himself back to the team and they’d all been too focused on Natasha, who’s sprained her ankle, to notice him limp in. He tried not to mind but he was so, so tired. 

He hadn’t said anything on the trip back to the tower. 

Tony was, of course, still ignoring him. Bruce would be crazy to think he’d do anything else. To think that Tony might look over and see he was in pain and think that maybe he wasn’t right about everything after all. And of course Tony would never take the first step. It was just never going to happen. 

Tony had slunk off back to the lab as soon as they got in and Bruce had just had time to run a warm bath before Pepper had appeared reminding them they were sue at a social function in fifteen minutes and there wasn’t time. If it had been Tony asking, Bruce would have told him to go alone but it wasn’t Tony asking, it was Pepper. Pepper who did her best and who knew just how horrible it was to date Tony. Pepper who’d always been his shoulder to lean on when dealing with Tony in the past and who would no doubt end up bearing the brunt of this argument. 

He went not because he liked social functions, he hated them, or because Tony needed him there. He went because Pepper asked him nicely. 

Functions like this were among the things he hated most in the world. There was no real reason for him to be here. Normally he’d be with Tony, and that was something at least. He knew, once he’d calmed down and this awful day was over, that he was better with Tony then without. That Tony made him a better person and he made Tony a better person. He didn’t mind being at a function like this WITH Tony. Didn’t mind dancing with Tony, giving Tony a reason to escape the vapid conversations, being there to make sure he didn’t drink himself into a blackout. Tonight he wasn’t with Tony. Tonight Tony left him as soon as they got in to the hall and he was alone. 

He’d never been a big fan of social functions, even less so since he’d started turning green and destroying things with his rage. Places like this made him feel out of control, something he hated more than anything. He walked a knife edge with control at the best of times. Places like this, he knew people were looking at him and finding him lacking. They did when he was Tony but at least he knew, then, that he was enough for Tony. Now, turns out he wasn’t. 

And suddenly the enormity of their words this morning hit him. They were broken up. Right now, this minute, he had no claim on Tony. Tony, who was across the room chatting to a pretty brunet, could take any one of these men or women home and Bruce wouldn’t have any right to complain because they weren’t together. Because Tony didn’t love Bruce as much as he loved this. 

He knew with a certainty that when this died down he was going to take back what he’d said, but could he say the same for Tony. Maybe Tony had meant every word of it, would stand by it. Maybe Bruce would be the one who was left alone. 

He turned away and headed to the bar, trying not to think. Tony couldn’t leave him, he couldn’t. Tony had come in to his world like a hurricane, shifting everything Bruce thought he knew about himself and about the people around him. He’d changed everything, he couldn’t leave him now. Bruce wouldn’t know what to do without him. Wouldn’t know which way was up without Tony to show him. 

He was in so much trouble. 

“You’re Doctor Banner?” someone asked as he reached the bar. He turned to find a shiny young face looking up at him. A girl, pretty in the same empty way all the people here were pretty. Every spot covered and curl set. “I’ve been reading some of your papers for one of my classes. Please, let me buy you a drink.” 

“Sure,” Bruce said with a tired smile. He wanted to run, but he couldn’t. Couldn’t leave without Tony, and he’d rather discuss physics here then watch Tony flirt his way around the room, a free man. 

The girl was attentive, though quiet. Bruce didn’t realise until she slipped away that he hadn’t even asked her name. 

He managed one vague circuit of the hall after leaving the bar before it started. 

It was subtle at first. A strange kind of anxiety building in him. Not the hopelessness that had dogged his step since he realised Tony might have meant it when he said they were through, a directionless anxiety. He tried to pin down what was making him feel like this but it wasn’t a single thing. There was no obvious cause, just a coil tightening in his gut. Everything felt sharper, somehow. More immediate. He felt as though he could see the light glinting of every glass in the room and suddenly he was horribly aware of how many glasses there were. It was almost blinding, a sea of rainbow light washing over him, wiping him out with its intensity. 

He moved around the room, trying to be inconspicuous as the feeling that something was horribly wrong began to grow in him. He watched as the chairs started to shimmer, tapping their legs in time with the music, with the dancers. The dancers who were all laughing. Swirling and laughing and he didn’t understand it, couldn’t understand it but something was so wrong. 

The light had started pulsing in time with the music and it was a strange green. The kind of green he saw just before and just after he changed, and that seemed important somehow but he couldn’t grasp why, only that it was bad. So bad. The entire place was going to die levels and bad, and once that thought had flitted across his mind he couldn’t stop it. Everyone dying, everyone was dying. He suddenly knew with frightening accuracy that Natasha was dead. She’d been crushed by something falling and it was somehow his fault. He felt the flame of her life snuff out. Clint was next, falling from a height. Bruce felt every bone of his body break on impact, physically felt his own bones shatter and he cried out with pain but the tide was coming in now, lapping at his feet, and he just knew he had to find Tony. Had to find Tony because he had to fix it somehow or everyone would die. They would all die and it was his fault because Tony didn’t love him enough and they were coming for Steve next. 

He screamed. 

~*~*~*~

Tony hated these kinds of functions. He knew he shouldn’t, knew that years ago he’d have loved them, but not now. Years ago he’d have come here alone looking for someone to warm his bed. He’d have found someone too. A pretty girl with a pretty smile, maybe. Or some young man with more muscle then intelligence. It didn’t matter, he wasn’t looking for conversation. He’d drink too much, maybe do a little too much of a little something else if the right friend slipped it to him. Take someone home and fuck them until he didn’t know which way was up. 

All he wanted to do right now, really, was go and find Bruce and take him home. He wanted to be in the tower with a pot of freshly brewed coffee. He wanted to sprawl out on the couch with his head in Bruce’s lap and talk about the latest issue of Science. He would bet anything that Bruce disagreed with Mulgrave’s latest paper, though Tony found it quite interesting. He wanted Bruce’s hands carding through his hair as he talked, then soft kisses. He didn’t want illegal highs and anonymous sex, he wanted the familiarity of the body he’d taken to his bed every day for months now. A body he knew. Someone who knew him. 

And that was the problem entirely. Bruce made him happy but he also tied him down. Made him settled, boring. He wasn’t meant to be the guy who’d rather stay in, he was meant to be the guy you came to with the powder you weren’t sure what it did and the two of you would put it up your noses together. 

He didn’t want to be old. 

He’d walked in to the party determined to find the youngest, prettiest, most exciting body and do some exotic substances with it and then not feel old, but the more he talked to them the older he felt. They all batted their eyelashes and leant on his arm but none of them smiled like Bruce. None of them would lean over and whisper in his ear about statistical significance or new theories on particle collision. He didn’t care about any of them. 

He was in so much trouble. 

He was getting dangerously close to just calling the entire thing off and telling Bruce that he loved him when he heard the cry. Well, it was more like a series of cries, a strange area of general upset coming from the far corner. People were backing away, panicking, and he knew that panic. 

He left the boy he’d been flirting with and headed over. He was right, of course. The mess centred on Bruce. Bruce who was crouching on the floor, his eyes oddly unfocused, running his left hand through his hair over and over. While a good number of people had stepped away a few had gone closer. He pushed one of them aside to get to Bruce. 

It didn’t take a genius to work out he’d been slipped something. Tony knew Bruce well enough to know he’d never take something that made him lose control like this voluntarily. He was going to have to bribe someone to give him the CCTV footage from the bar; he knew there’d be some. For now, though, he needed to work out what exactly was wrong. He knelt down in front of Bruce and that seemed to draw the other man’s focus to him. 

“Tony,” Bruce said, and his voice sounded so small and cracked. He looked as though he was barely holding himself together. “I...I tried to stop them but all of my bones are broken,” Bruce explained, and he sounded so tires and apologetic. “Please don’t crack.” 

“I won’t,” Tony assured him, reaching over to grasp his hand. Bruce looked down at their joined hands and smiled. 

“Good,” he said. “Our hands are melting together, so don’t leave me.” 

“I won’t,” Tony said softly. He then looked up at the small crowd around them. “One of you is going to tell me what you gave him,” he said, calmly. “You have to know that I will find out, even if you don’t tell me. If I have to find out the hard way I will make you suffer. If you tell me now, things will be a lot easier for you.” 

“You can’t threaten us,” a redhead said, grinning. 

“You might think so but you’re wrong. You’re young, you think you’re indestructible but you’re not. Everything you are is borrowed, and I can take it away. You seriously think I can’t? I’m the most powerful man in this room and you want to mess with me.” 

“Just tell him, Carol,” a boy beside her hissed, shifting on the spot. “He’s serious.” 

“He can’t hurt me,” Carol proclaimed again, flipping her red hair. Some of the others were looking less convinced though, and a small brunette girl was looking decidedly nervous. He turned his attention to her. 

“It was you, wasn’t it?” he asked. “You know, drugging someone else is a serious crime. It won’t be hard to find evidence.” 

“He’s bluffing,” Carole said, but the brunette clearly didn’t think so. She shifted a few times, glanced around the circle then stepped forward. 

“I slipped him a hit of acid,” she said, flushing slightly. “I didn’t...I didn’t mean for this. I’m sorry.” 

“I bet you are,” Tony snapped. He’d done acid himself before, but never in a situation like this and, well, he wasn’t Bruce. He’d done it back before, well, everything. Back when he was a teenager with almost no stress on his shoulder. He’d been surrounded by people he’d called his friends (though that label had turned out to not be as accurate as he might like) and he remembered vividly the sensation that he was melting in to the floor, becoming just another stain in the upholstery on the frat house, chilled out forever. He didn’t think Bruce was chilling out. 

The good thing, though, was it wasn’t dangerous. Not for his body, anyway. The next twelve or so hours were going to be interesting but after that. 

“Bruce,” he said, turning his attention back to his partner. “We’re going to get out of here, go somewhere quiet. Alright?” 

Bruce contemplated that for a second, then nodded. Tony pulled him up by their joined hand and began to manoeuvre him out of the room. He couldn’t help but notice security had come to lurk already. He could hardly blame them, Bruce wasn’t the kind of guest you could quietly escort out of he got out of hand. As they walked Tony could feel the tremors in Bruce’s muscles, hear his sharp his breath was. He tried to ignore it for now, there wasn’t a lot he could do. 

Luckily, someone had sent for the car. When he came out Happy was waiting with the door open and he shuffled them both in quickly. Bruce looked around before curling in on himself, pushing back in to the seat. 

“It’s going to fall apart,” he declared, gripping Tony’s hand tighter. “Can’t you see, the walls are only held together with twine, Tony. We’re going to die.” 

“We won’t,” Tony said, certainly. He wasn’t sure Bruce even understood right now that he’d been drugged. He’d been told when he tripped that it was worse if you fought it, and Bruce was probably fighting it with everything in him, desperately reaching out for control he wasn’t going to fine. “I promise. I checked the knots, it’s going to hold.” 

“You’re going to die,” Bruce whispered. “I already killed Natasha and Clint and now you’re going to die too.” 

“I won’t,” Tony promised, reaching over and putting his free arm around Bruce as the car pulled away from the curb. “I don’t know if you can understand this right now, Bruce, but somebody’s give you LSD. The things you think you can see, feel, they’re not real.” 

“I’m sorry, Tony,” Bruce whispered, and he sounded wretched. “It is real, I can feel it. I felt Natasha die, felt the red of her blood all around me. Clint, too. He fell from a height; we broke every bone in our bodies. I think I know what it is, I think it’s me. The other me. I melted, Tony, and he got out. He got out and now he’d going to kill everyone I love.” 

“Bruce, listen to me...” 

“No, listen to ME,” Bruce shouted suddenly, jerking out of Tony’s arms and throwing himself back against the door. “It’s real and it’s coming, you need to help. If you kill me it might kill him too. I need you to kill me, Tony.” 

“Bruce...” 

“Can’t you understand,” Bruce screamed, gripping at his neck. Tony’s eyes were drawn to the way it was bulging, the strange green twinge. They were going to be in trouble. “It has to be now,” Bruce said. His tone was forceful though his entire body was shaking. “I can’t die when he’d in me but when he’s out I can! It can all be over, before I kill you! Please, I love you. I can’t kill you” 

“You won’t kill me,” Tony said calmly, shifting forward. He didn’t try and restrain Bruce, just touched his arm lightly. “I know you won’t, I trust you.” 

“You trust him,” Bruce hissed. “Think about him too much. You want him to come out all the time, split me open and leave me drying like a husk on the ground.” 

“No,” Tony said softly. “I don’t want that. I just...I just want to help, Bruce. Let me help you!” 

“Help me by killing me.” 

“I can’t,” Tony said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I can’t, but I can take us somewhere safe. Somewhere nobody can hurt us. Will you let me do that, Bruce?” 

“You need to warn the others,” Bruce said. The green seemed to be fading back now, anger overrun by fear. “Let Steve know before it finds him.” 

“I will,” Tony said gently. He reached in to his pocked and pulled this phone out. He went a quick text to Steve warning him of the situation; it was probably a good plan. Bruce didn’t have any control right now and Tony wouldn’t rate his ability to act as a calming influence all that highly. “See, I warned him now.” 

“Good,” Bruce mumbled, rubbing at his eyes. “I can’t...I can’t kill anyone else, Tony. What if it comes for you? You have to promise, if it comes for you, that you’ll kill me first. I couldn’t live with myself if I killed you.” 

“I promise,” Tony said, daring to reach out again and lay his hand on Bruce’s shoulder. He knew he shouldn’t be reading too much in to this, that Bruce was hardly responsible for the words that were spilling out of his mouth right now, but he couldn’t help it. He was kind of in love; he wanted to take any sign that he was loved back. 

After a few minutes driving in silence Bruce leant over, still curled in tight on himself he lay his head on Tony’s knee and Tony stroked his back gently. They didn’t say anything else until the car ride was over. 

Bruce allowed himself to be guided out of the car and in to the building, and then along to the bedroom. He protested a little when they got there until Tony swore blind he’d put anti-hulk protections on the room. 

Tony had never seen him like this before, so scared and emotional. He couldn’t stop shaking, couldn’t stop glancing around. After half an hour lying in their bed he told Tony the walls kept whispering about him, so Tony put on some quiet music to drown them out. He dimmed the lights and had Jarvis play a flickering light show on the ceiling then lay them out, Bruce’s head pillowed on his shoulder, and took up rubbing Bruce’s back and whispering how much he loved him in to his hair as Bruce tracked the lights with his eyes and occasionally let out a soft sob. 

It was going to be a very long night. 

~*~*~*~

Bruce hadn’t had a hallucination in three hours now. He was pretty sure of that, though he was still having trouble working out which parts had been real and which hadn’t. If you’d asked him before he’d have said it would be easy but he could swear he’d felt Clint’s bones break. It had been so real, so immediate and so painful. 

It was eleven hours since they’d left the party, twenty-eight since he’d last slept, and still he couldn’t sleep. Tony had explained it as a lingering effect of the LSD. Bruce was pretty certain by this point that he never wanted to touch the stuff again. 

He looked up with a groan as Tony slipped back in to the room, plate of snacks with him. He was aware that Tony had been with him all night. He was also aware that he’d asked multiple times for Tony to kill him, though he wasn’t sure if he’d managed to ask the right Tony every time. Sometimes there had been two Tony’s, only then one of them had caught on fire and the drapes had been ruined. 

He looked across to assure himself that, no, the drapes were fine. Of course there had only ever been one Tony, the universe couldn’t cope with more than one Tony Stark. 

“You tired yet?” Tony asked, setting the snacks down and climbing back on to the bed. 

“Exhausted. Still can’t sleep though,” Bruce said with a sigh. “You can, if you like. I don’t mind.” 

“Nah, it’s alright,” Tony replied, flopping back to his head was beside Bruce’s. “I’ll stay awake with you. I owe you, anyway. The argument yesterday, I shouldn’t have started it. I’m sorry.” 

“Are you actually apologising?” Bruce chuckled. “I’m too tired to appreciate this properly. Besides, I think any debt you owe me you’ve already paid back by sitting up with me all night. It can’t have been much fun.” 

“It wasn’t meant to be fun,” Tony said, reaching over and running fingers through Bruce’s hair. “I didn’t do it because I thought it would be fun. I did it because I didn’t want you to be alone with that. I mean, I’ve never had a bad trip myself but I’ve done acid, I know how real everything seems. Had to do what I could.” 

“I’m sorry for the argument too,” Bruce said, reaching a hand to trail along Tony’s face. “I know it’s kind of ridiculous to have a learning experience from a hallucination but...it was so real at the time and I was so scared. Scared of dying, of hurting others, but mostly that I’d hurt you, or you’d leave me. I, well, in the real world I could get by without you, but I don’t think I want to anymore.” 

“Even when I’m infuriating and leave the milk out of the fridge?” Tony asked with a grin. Bruce sighed. 

“I suppose so. Can’t we just please not have another day like this ever again? I don’t think I’ve ever had a day this bad. I mean, I’ve had terrible days but I’ve never spent hours convinced the other guy has somehow escaped my skin and it trying to kill everyone I love before.” 

“That is pretty bad,” Tony said, his voice soft. “No more days like that. I promise not to wake you up with an argument again.” 

“Don’t,” Bruce said with a laugh. “You’ll only break a promise like that. It’s, well, not my fault maybe but you didn’t really know what argument I was having yesterday. I suppose I should just tell you. The thing is transforming isn’t easy for me. It’s not just the losing control, it hurts a lot. I ache for days after and, well, I’m kind of worried that I’m doing some kind of permanent tissue damage.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me,” Tony asked, pulling back to frown down on Bruce. “We’ll get a doctor to check you over for the tissue damage. Are you sore now? Do you want a bath or a massage or something?” 

“I am kind of achy,” Bruce said with a soft smile. “I’d rather just lie here, though. I’m kind of warm and, well, it’s not a bad place to be. Here.” 

“I’m glad you think so,” Tony said with a laugh. “I think this is a pretty good place, too. I guess since we’re playing truth or truth I need to go next. I don’t think I was having the argument I thought I was having yesterday.” 

“You weren’t?” Bruce asked, eyebrow raised. “What argument were you having then?” 

“I was arguing because I’m scared. Scared of settling down and being old and boring but, well, that was kind of a cover too. What I’ve been afraid of most is that I think I’ve fallen in love with you.” 

Bruce let that settled for a moment, taking it in. He’d heard it a lot over the past twelve hours but he’d presumed he was hallucinating. Presumed Tony would never say something like that at a time like this. 

“Why is that something you’re afraid of?” he asked. Tony sighed, lowering his head to rest on Bruce’s shoulder as though hiding from the question. Bruce raised a hand and ran it through his hair. “You don’t need to answer if you don’t want.” 

“No, I do,” Tony said, relaxing against Bruce’s side and throwing an arm over him. “I’m mostly afraid of what it says about me. It’s not long ago that I’d be out partying and doing drugs and sleeping with anyone and everyone and I’d laugh at people who were like we are now. People who were settled, I thought I’d rather be dead then be this boring but now...not this is kind of everything I want. I have a focus in life that’s protecting people, not killing them. I’m surrounded by an amazing group of friends and I have you, and you kind of mean everything and I’m not even sure when that happened. It’s like waking up one morning and finding the person you always thought you were is actually a lie, a careful mask built up to hide all your soft squishy parts and you made if so well that you even forgot the squishy parts existed. I guess it’s not even you, really. I’m afraid that for the first time I’m really being me and I’m not sure what to do with that. Not sure how to be a Tony Stark who lets people in. A Tony Stark who has a family.” 

“If it helps, I love this you,” Bruce said softly, pressing a kiss to the side of Tony’s head. “I know what you mean, though. About masks and real selves. It’s not always nice facing up to the person we truly are inside with all the ways they don’t fit the person we’d most like to be.” 

“I know,” Tony said, pulling himself up again. “Thank you.” 

Bruce just smiled as Tony leant down to kiss him. 

~*~*~*~

Three hours later Bruce finally fell asleep. Overall, taking every variable in to consideration, he’d had worse days.


End file.
